And it’s true — we do want what’s best for our kids. But these are loaded words. It puts a lot of pressure on us as parents and on our children. What if our kids don’t get the “best” and what if we can’t provide it? What if our kids don’t agree with what we think is the “best”? What if they have their own definition of “best” that is different than ours?

We put a lot of weight on who our kids will be and how they will fare in the outside world. We put that same weight on who they are in the moment. Our fears and the “shark music” are triggered, which can lead us spiraling in a variety of directions.

In writing a column for a diverse audience it is safer to write in generalities. I say we all want “what’s best,” or we want our kids to “thrive” because all families define “best” differently. I never want to make assumptions or put words in people’s mouths. It is not my job to tell you what you should want for your family.

Yet now I challenge you to think more specifically about what “best” means. Better yet, I challenge you to take “best” out of your vocabulary.

Rather than generically saying, “I want what’s best for my kids,” what if you laid out a vision instead?

For example (and these are not necessarily my own personal examples):

My vision is my family has strong relationships with each other. We treat each other with kindness, compassion, understanding and respect. We treat each other as the individuals we are and understand we all have unique preferences and opinions. We can compromise when it feels right, and we know how to repair rifts in the relationship when they occur.

My vision is all members of my family feel safe to be who they are.

My vision is all members of my family accept life brings challenges. We all work toward knowing how to face, move through, bounce back from and continue forward from these challenges; and if we can’t do that on our own, we know how to ask for support.

My vision is all members of my family embrace imperfection.

Creating a vision is valuable in that it helps you define where you want to be. It gives you a destination. The next, and perhaps harder step is to plot out the road map that will take you there. What steps will allow you to embrace imperfection or maintain strong relationships? How can you live your life with your vision in mind?

For example, if your vision is to have respectful relationships in your home, how do you respond to your 7-year-old who won’t stop using her digital device after the allotted time? How do you respond to your 17-year-old who misses curfew. If yelling, punishing or shaming your child for these infractions is your go-to, you aren’t treating your child with respect and aren’t teaching it. You aren’t moving toward your vision.

Instead try respectfully reminding your child about your family agreement about managing time. Maintain your boundary, follow through with the predetermined logical consequence and project faith in your child that they will do better next time:

“It looks like you’re having a hard time managing your time. We agreed that you won’t be able to use your device for a day as a result. I have faith that you will know how to stop your media use next time. Let me know if you need any support in figuring this out.”

Life is messy. It’s a jumble of experiences and emotions and conflicts and disappointments. Depending on a child’s development, he will be able to handle life’s cacophony with varying proficiency. As adults we want smooth sailing. We have a hard time with the bumpy waters of uncertainty, lack of control, unpredictability and strong emotion. Yet this is the experience we signed up for when we had kids. Trying to seal the experience into a neat box whose seams never burst is like trying to swim the wrong direction in a whirlpool.

I challenge us all, myself included, to let go of the “best” and instead establish a vision around the tone, the atmosphere, the energy you would like to see in your house and with your family. And then live into that as much as you can. If this is new, be patient — it will take time.

Raising kids might be messy but it’s also filled with love, laughter, kindness and wonder. This is also the experience we signed up for when we had kids.